No, I have not risen from the grave (far be it for me to thrust myself into some place that I am not wanted- Yes, I noticed how the SHM were completly wiped out from the RP Info page once we three all bailed. Tsk tsk, how infantile, right?)
But, anyway, I just wanted to give a fair warning and heads up before anyone else gets hurt by the bullshit.
Your dearest MOD, Cloud-Mun-Extraordinair lost FOUR friends over RP bullshit, and using us.
Fuck this, I will make it public. I am sick of hiding and I am sick of the lies and the hidden agendas and the bullshit. Sick of it.
Why am I putting this here? Because I am angry and tired of hiding my thoughts. Only a few of you will know what it means, but I don't give a damn any more. I know who I can trust and who I can keep close to me and who won't hurt me, and they know who they are.
I don't really know how to respond to this immediately, though I'm not surprised to have recieved it. No, I haven't been signed into my Bristle account for some time, and I have wanted to think, I guess, and try to distance myself from things so I can be clear-headed. I know it may not be the proper way of doing things, and probably isn't very fair, either. I've been completely out of the loop for the last couple of weeks with just about everything, and to be honest I don't talk much to Bulby or Far either.
I have been avoiding communication because I've been trying to avoid confrontation. I am tired of confrontation and people being upset, and I am still dealing with my own issues that, try as I might, I just cannot let go. I thought I could, but I couldn't, and I am still trying to get my head around them.
To be honest? I was actually very hurt, upset, and angry when Ozzy started confronting me about Kadaj in FS, if that wasn't obvious. No, really, I was beyond pissed off. I almost told you that night I was quitting and dropping out, which is why I signed off. And when I started talking to you about it, it almost felt to me like you didn't care. You didn't say anything about whether or not you agreed with her, I just got very short and simple "pats" and that sort of thing about it. I was so upset I was shaking. The general attitude I got off of Ozzy was incredibly condescending and rude. And to be frank, the reason why I never discussed Kadaj's more hidden sides with her (though I discussed them at length with other people) was because I was concerned, honestly, that she would suddenly have Sephiroth figure him out, because Sephiroth apparently knew and understood *everything* that was going on. Sephiroth never got punished, but the SHM did. Sephiroth never made any meaningful mistakes, but the SHM made loads. Sephiroth got what he wanted, but the SHM were left hanging.
And while I am talking about FS, there is something else I would like to bring up. You spoke frequently about how bad Cloud had it in his situation, but I think that was so wrong. Cloud had friends. He had Tifa, and Vincent. If the other players hadn't stopped posting, he would have had all of AVALANCHE. He also had the SHM, especially Kadaj, as friends. (No, he and Yazoo were rocky, but Yazoo was willing to try accepting him.) It was always "woe is Cloud" while the SHM were the ones geting the short end of the stick. Sure, Cloud was upset when Kadaj ran away, but was that any surprise? I had been saying for months, I think at least four, that he had been wanting to run away. He finally did it. When he met Vincent that second time and Vincent initiated a spar, Kadaj almost let one of the bullets take him. He was so utterly depressed and inconsolable at that moment that he didn't care. He turned his back to Vincent and if Vincent had taken a shot, Kadaj wouldn't have moved. He didn't care any more. Life had been a struggle all from the beginning, he was getting *the* most mixed signels *ever* from Cloud. So many thing that had been promised- sparring, lunch, the taco dinner thing- never happened. He was so depressed that I had to force him to sit on that beach so he didn't run out of my head and fade, he was so depressed he was nearly suicidal.
And yet, it was about how *Cloud* was upset that Kadaj ran away? Or *Cloud* was upset about finding out that Vincent was his father when Vincent was sitting on that beach ready to eat a bullet? I'm not even sure what to think about this. I have no words for this. Sure, it's rp, ladida, but I and the others invested a piece of our souls into that rp, to make those characters real, to make them realistic. I have been told more than once that FS Kadaj seemed like a real, living breathing person. And when that "living breathing person" was ready to let himself die because he was so depressed he could barely feed himself, wasn't sleeping, and didn't give two shits about what happened to him or if he got hurt, it was about how upset *Cloud* was.
No, really, despite his issues, Cloud had *everything.* He had friends, he had people that would consider him family, hell, he *did* have family once the Vincent thing came up. He had people that cared about and accepted him, quirks and all, that wanted to help him and make him feel better. Hell, he had people that wanted to *love* him, and all he ever did was shove them away like they weren't good enough. Cloud made himself isolated by pushing away everyone that cared for him. Except, apparently, Sephiroth. Oh, Sephiroth figured him out. Sephiroth broke his brain and in the next instant, Cloud was crawling all over his lap like a little kid wanting comfort from daddy.
Kadaj spent how long? Four months? Trying to get close to Cloud, but he was never good enough. For whatever reason, I have no idea, it makes no sense to me no matter how often it was explained. Sure, Sephroth and Cloud have a history- a violent and hate-filled history of Sephiroth killing and/or destroying *everything that Cloud cared about.* It was Sephiroth's fault his mother died, that Tifa almost died, that Cloud almost died, and that Aeris *did* die. And yet they can turn into a couple of cuddly fuzz-bunnies within a *very* short time span of a few months? Ozzy I suppose thinks it's nothing but jealous, but that is so not what it is. What it boils down to is how the SHM and Vincent got fucked over multiple times, time and time and time *again* when they did *everything* right. And Sephiroth, caught torturing people with gravity spells in their first meeting? Why, he got cookies and cake and a pat on the back, got freedom and forgiveness, understanding and love. He got what *he* wanted without changing a damn thing or trying to make restitution. He was still an evil bastard, something admitted. He showed Cloud his "good" side, but everyone else got the bad. Heck, he was even characterised as having not done anything wrong by Ozzy, because Chaos "challenged" him, and Sephiroth couldn't possibly turn down a challenge, so it wasn't his fault for tearing down a village, which is such utter bullshit. And let's not forget the decapitated head left on the motorcycle while we're at it.
Now, all the while Cloud is getting closer and closer and closer to Sephiroth, I'm being *assured* that it's not happening, that Cloud doesn't love him. I wouldn't have cared, actually, if *my* muse hadn't been taken along for a ride, and if *I* hadn't been assured of one thing while something else occured.
Speaking of reassurance. You remember that long conversation I had with you some time ago, where I stayed up until like 8am talking to you about Kadaj and you were so sympathetic and understanding, and told me how bad you felt for him? Where I went to bed feeling really depressed and upset about the situation my muse was in? And then a few days later I find out that Cloud's run out to go have sex with Sephiroth and "it just happened." Far be it for me to tell you how to have fun, but don't *dare* try to molly-coddle me and pat me on the back and tell me how much you feel for my character and his situation and how upset he is, and all those platitudes, but then turn around and let something happen that you *know* would fuck him up. You knew it, I *told* you that he would not be able to understand it, that it would make him feel incredibly hurt and worthless, second-chosen *again* (as always, it seems). Don't *dare* tell me how much sympathy you have but then keep letting your muse run mine into the fucking ground to the point he's sitting on a beach and going to let Vincent *shoot* him because he's given up on life and on happiness. I was *so* upset and hurt. Again, not because Sephiroth "got" Cloud (oh woe, events didn't go as planned, feh) but because of the seeming caviliar attitude about how the actions of one muse can so badly affect another. It was like a complete slap to the face, after I had been *crying* about how badly Kadaj was getting screwed. You had the power to do something about it, and you didn't. You just carried on your merry way, and then complained because *Cloud* had it so bad.
I finally let Kadaj run away. I decided to stop preventing him from going, and just let him do what he wanted to. That rp on the beach with Loz and Yazoo was the first time he had felt truly happy in months. He was away from the situation and he was feeling good, with his brothers. While he may have had his fights with them, they cared about and supported him. And while *I* may have had a few instances with Bulby and Far where I might not have been happy with something, we always managed to work it out for the better.
Of course, there is, I am sad to say, quite a bit of lingering resentment over AU. Cloud constantly cheating on Zahna with Tifa when I was told he was faithful to Zahna, blah blah blah. I don't really want to spend another half hour writing out *that* old hash, that horse has been dead for some time and I'm sick of beating it. Plus, I think you have a pretty good idea how I feel on that subject.
No, strike that. I will talk about it.
I lost Zahna because I felt like a damn fool with Cloud constantly cheating on her with Tifa. The more Cloud cheated, the less inclined to RP I became. Because I was *constantly* assured that he wasn't going to leave her, and yet he was giving off *every* vibe that he was. He nearly had sex withher for cripes sakes. He got naked with her and kissed her and just just about everything *but* sex. And you know what I find out now? (I am sure you'll see this coming a mile away.)
[00:40] lil nataku: IC, I never meant harm and no, my characters did not want to betray her or her characters. However... what am I to do with a character when his gf is never available to RP with?
[00:40] lil nataku: Only his best friend.
[00:40] lil nataku: Does character development stop? No, I don't believe it does.
Ex*cuse* me? I was *always* available. But the more Cloud cheated, the less I could bring myself to play. I *did* feel lied to, and I *did* feel betrayed. If I had known, if I was prepared, if it was fucking *discussed* with me, I wouldn't have minded. But, oh no, it was all behind my back, all the while reassuring me that all would be well, and *I believed you.* But every time I looked through those RPs, masses and *masses* of them, I just felt like a fucking moron for believing you. And that *first* day that Cloud woke up, I waited for fucking *hours* to be let into that rp. And you couldn't be bothered to tell me I wasn't going to be able to go in with Zahna. If I recall rightly, I asked you about it a while later and it was like "oh, they fell asleep together, there wasn't an opening." Ex*cuse* me? And yet you have the fucking *gal* to tell someone else, someone who can't even verify it, that Zahna was not around for Cloud.
Bullshit Nata. Pure, unadalterated bullshit.
And your complaint about people sharing conversation? I am half-tempted, right now, to ask you if the reason you don't like conversations shared is because you know you'll get caught out fibbing. You say one thing, and do another. You placate *me* but then do something else, and when I *ask* about it, I just get even more platitudes. I am so fucking incensed right now I can't even put it into words properly.
I very rarely ask people not to share what I say. Why? Because I do my damnedest not to make myself a liar. Yes, I make mistakes- everyone does- but I have no fear of what I say going around because in the end, I stand by my words. I don't worry that someone will come to me and ask me "why did you say ___ and then do ___ when you said you wouldn't?" because I *don't* do that, certainly not on purpose, and *certainly* not often enough that my friends would have any worry about it.
To sum up between those two rps- I felt *stupid.* I felt like a fool. I felt played and lead on, perhaps even lied to. I *tried* to be understanding. And please don't give me this "I can't remember everything" talk. I don't expect you to remember every little detail, but when it comes to something that will affect *other* muses, I would at least like the decency of clarity of the situation, and *communication.* When I think I am wrong, I search through those logs to find out what was said instead of running headlong and fucking up, I expect a similar sort of courtesy in return.
As for Bulby's post to you? Or, several posts? What Bulby writes isn't up for me to really discuss. I have no control over what she says or thinks, and she's free to make whatever posts she wants in her journal, and you're free not to read them. To my understanding, she had blatantly asked you to unfriend her, and yet I see, even now after you have mentioned her leaving you hateful posts, you still have her as a friend, and I have to ask, "Why?" You don't like Bulby, you know she doesn't like you. Bulby is very blunt and straightforward about her opinions, so the fact that you still have her friended (at the time I am writing this, at least) leaves me absolutely baffled. You have the power to defriend her and never look at her journal again, but apparently you don't. Why do you hang on when all you get is hurt from her? And yes, I am aware that she has banned you from commenting, too, and once more, knowing this, *why* do you still keep her friended? For what purpose? I wouldn't friend someone who has blatantly announced dislike for me, because that would be assinine. I can only guess at your reasoning for keeping Bulby on your friends list, and the guess I came up with aren't especially good ones. I don't think you honestly expect to reconcile with her, so I can't imagine that being it. Maybe you want to stay privy to her journal? Or maybe you want to know if you're being talked about? Why, when all it does it cause you hurt, and stir up drama? And why announce this to *me?* Why bring this to *my* attention, unless there is some point you want to make which I am currently not grasping? Or is it some sort of subtle "guilty by association" charge being laid at me for still being friends with her?
I have avoided you because I felt like I couldn't *talk* to you. Any criticism was met with how no one likes you, or everyone is out to get you which was never true. People tried, and it didn't work. I tried talking with you, but when I kept getting told one thing and another happening, how the hell could I continue to try discussing anything important with you? When I brought up something that was deeply bothering me, I would get patted on the back and told how it would all be ok, then two weeks later, it was all gone to hell again. If I made even a little criticism, I would get a spiel about "woe is Cloud" and how everything is his fault, and everyone blames him, and all that jazz. How do I respond to this? How do I be *honest* when this is the reaction I get out of it? How can I be honest when it's met with such martyrdom? It's impossible, Nata, to tell you things because of that.
I had a hell of a lot of respect for you. I considered you a close friend. I spilled my guts out to you, and I was still betrayed and hurt. Incredibly hurt. I have been sitting and thinking these last few weeks outside of your influence so I could have my own thoughts without being coloured by your patting me on the back and telling me everything will be ok.
I *know* there were plans for Cloud and Sephiroth in FS. Yes, Emy had mentioned it way at the beginning, when she started spazzing about getting Kadaj out of there, and you know what? I should have listened to her. Hell, even *Ozzy* told me herself that she wasn't allowed to 'ship Sephiroth and then added somethng like "but you didn't hear it from me." What the hell am I to think of that, Nata? I had completely forgotten about it until I was searching for something else, and I stumbled on it. What the hell am I to think of Emy being told she couldn't have Chaos pursue Sephiroth *and* Ozzy telling me *herself* that she wasn't "allowed" to ship Sephiroth? Emy telling me Ozzy told her she was told to "save" Sephiroth for Cloud? What am I to think, all this time later, when those initial *massive* warning bells were laid at my feet, and then it all came to fruitiion? What was I meant to think other than it was planned all along and I was taken for a ride, myself and my trust in you, and the welfare of my muses, all lead along when in the end, the outcome had been determined already? I *trusted* you and you still went ahead and gutted me, so what am I to think right now?
I think I have given you answers. I am sure it's somethng other than what you were expecting, and if not, it was something other than what you were wanting.
I won't appologise. I am tired of appologising for being hurt and angry. I am tired of hiding how I feel so I won't cause a stir, and I'm tired of clinging on when I get nothing out of it. I am tired of being the one that everything gets layed on as if *I* am the one to answer for other people's thoughts and misdeads, and I am tired of trying to hold onto something when I just feel hurt all over again every time it is drug out.
I think this is enough. No more. It's done with. The horse is long dead and beaten into a bleeding pulp, and I am sick of it. The drama, the attempts at reconciliation, the complaints, all of it. I'm done. Looking at everything from a distance and from a perspective that allows me to think clearly without my ear being whispered into has made a huge difference and allowed me to come to terms with what has been upsetting me.
I wish you nothing but the best beyond the end of this e-mail, and I hope you find what you are looking for.